terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.