animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman