animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Bring back the McRib
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf