Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.