[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
You Might Also Like
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.