I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch