Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You Might Also Like
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.