*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me