*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
subtitles are so good nowadays
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Wait for it
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.