Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
#SaturdayBears
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.