Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
What
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super