[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.