I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that