New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere