ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
life finds a way
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.