vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
honestly, i need both:
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life