Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
No, YOUR illiterate.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Just a reminder, folks:
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.