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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn