My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.