I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Snapes on a plane.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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