me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened![]()
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Living the best life.. 😊
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Not recommended for beginners.
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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