Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly