My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.