*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.