[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?