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Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
👾👾👾
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.