when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.