when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!