*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
You Might Also Like
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: I’m heading off now.