You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”


I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”


Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn


In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.


I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’


That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.


Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.


[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?