You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave