dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.