They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Any refunds available?…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
kitchen magnet
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
This is what makes twitter great
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again