When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Worst bar ever.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.