Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner