Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

Saw online –

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

don’t we all

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you