What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee