Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You Might Also Like
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”