Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to