You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I need to update my racial profile.