No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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*checks Timeline*…
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)