You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I think I’m having a stroke
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.