I think I’m having a stroke
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I drew y’all a little something.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”