You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it