The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.