ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.