despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.