[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!