them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
You Might Also Like
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management