I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Ha.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.