suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Oh the world we live in…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.