If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar