shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy