There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.