Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*